geoffs guide to girls who want to grow up to drink whiskey

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So you want to be a sophisticated woman, and drinking a strong glass of whiskey seems like a good step in that direction. Like banging a middle aged Sean Connery or dismissing hot young boys approaching you with the subtle flick of your wrist.

There's only one problem: you don't like the stuff. Tastes like gasoline in your mouth, or something else gross. Maybe your boyfriend, or uncle, or girlfriend's boyfriend's friend gave you some one time and you drank some, and coughed.

Yet you know.. you see those classy mother fuckers sipping on it like its ambrosia. What gives?

If you already reject heteronormitive gender roles, skip to step 2. Otherwise, carry on.

Step 1. Realize, madam, that your very desire to clasp the golden liquid in your dainty hands and reap its gentle harvest is evidence of a deep rejection against society; and, without somewhat embracing this revulsion you will be missing out on the necessary ingredients for step 2.

Follow step 2a if you are a cunning lady of intense social prowess.
Follow step 2b if step 2a doesn't apply, and the world is sometimes a scary place.

Step 2a: Congratulations. The world loves you, men are enchanted by you. You understand them. You will drink to your greatness with every sip.

Step 2b: Congratulations. You are close to finding the thing you have been looking for: alcohol. This will ease your troubled mind. You will drink with the following words of the late Noah "Soggy" Sweat Jr in your heart:

".. if when you say whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and laughter on their lips, and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer; if you mean the stimulating drink that puts the spring in the old gentleman's step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the drink which enables a man to magnify his joy, and his happiness, and to forget, if only for a little while, life's great tragedies, and heartaches, and sorrows.."

Learn, little lass, that *this* is the whiskey you will come to know and love.

Step 3. Get some whiskey. This should be good whiskey. Ask someone sophisticated to recommend you a good scotch or bourbon. Now this is important: you can drink scotch or bourbon (or rye) but nothing else. Bourbon should be strong (100-120proof) and drank on ice; while scotch should be "standard" at ~80 proof.

Which direction you go is up to you, you can even switch it up. Bourbon will your warm heart, scotch will soothe your soul. With some practice you can drink jameson out of a bottle, but this is a guide for girls!

Step 4. Pour some whiskey as prescribed above just about 1.5-2 shots worth. Bourbon on ice. Scotch should be drank neat, a wine glass works well if you don't have a snifter; if the sophisticated person recommends putting a couple drops of water into your scotch that's okay. If they say ice, find a new sophisticated person.

Step 5. Take a very small taste of your whiskey but don't swallow right away, let it sit on your tounge for just a brief moment before swallowing. Not letting *any* air into your mouth in the process. When you swallow your taste, immediately and lightly blow air out of your mouth. Repeat this every time you take a sip.

Step 6. Try and find some taste in all of that that isn't rubbing alcohol; repeat until necessary.

Step 7. Finiish your drink in more than 15 minutes but less than 40.

Step 8. Repeat one time.

Step 9. At this point Steps 4-7 can repeated if desired.

Do the this 2x per week for 6 weeks and you will be a whiskey drinking sophistianado in no time at all! (approximately six weeks).